The Forbidden Love by Kamikaze [Review]

Amis Infinity Review for: Kamikaze

Title: The Forbidden Love

Reviewer: MCMPSLY7

URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/Esterkake14/

Reminder! This review isn’t to defend or discourage you to keep writing. Use it to assist you for improvement.

Title: 4/5

—This is a very common title, but I like the sound if it and seems interesting.

Poster & Background: 8/10

—I adore the poster and background, especially the flowers because they really stand out and are vivid. However, the grayish/black color seems a bit off and the clouds/mist/fog is a bit too strong.

Characters: 3/5

—The characters aren’t organized and steady. Their behavior and feelings are all over the place. Mi Cha seems really sweet and innocent at first, but then she suddenly snap and became a different person. All your characters seem to be like that. Kang In’s character stayed the same throughout the chapters but there wasn’t much detail into why he’s the way he is. I suggested you to provide more background about your characters and not just their personality. Also, when you have a lot of characters you need to give more information about them so they won’t be confused with each other.

Forewords: 7/10

—Your foreword was more like a summary about what the story was going to be about. It does seem interesting and twisted when it comes to the girl loving the boy and boy has a crush who’s also a boy. That kind of makes me want to read more, but the urge in wanting to continue reading isn’t so strong.

Plot: 10/20

—Your plot is sort of confusing. At the beginning of the story it was about a young girl who had to make a living to support herself and her younger siblings, but the moment she started to work at the mansion as a maid her whole priority changed. She wasn’t caring for her younger siblings anymore until Kang In kicked her out. But as soon as she settled down with Seung Ri, her siblings were gone again. Then the whole love/lust relationships that pops out of nowhere starts to impact everyone. I suggest you revisit your intended plot for the story before continuing.

Creativity: 6/10

—I’ll give you points for creating something different because I’ve never read anything like this before. Although some of your twist and ideas needs more details.

Flow: 7/10

—This seems rushed. The chapters should be a bit longer with clearer sentences and facts about what’s going on. The relationships blooms and ends at the same time making it not realistic.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

—Your grammar is very basic and simple which is nice because it’s easy to understand. However using bigger and harder words can be intriguing to the readers. There are a few mistakes that can be easily corrected to avoid confusion.

Like this one:

At 10:00 I had tucked in her siblings,

–You are writing in first person narrative so she wouldn’t call herself HER when she is narrating. This can be fixed by changing HER to MY.

Style of writing: 6/10

—Readers can easily get lost in your story because you aren’t being clear to when who is talking. The sentences and dialogues are mixed into one paragraph making it hard to read unless you really concentrate. And you keep changing the style of your writing. First it was like this:

He walked inside the house,”Leeteuk,you’ve been gone all night”,sighed MiCha.DaeSung and YoungSoo nodded.”I dont even know what happened”,groaned Leeteuk,”I don’t remember anything”.MiCha was outraged,she thought Leeteuk was a drunk.
“Have you been drinking?”,said MiCha,her voice rising.
Leeteuk was confused,”What?N-no”.MiCha smelled his breath,it smelled like alcohol.”Leeteuk!”,MiCha screamed,”You lied!”.
MiCha stomped down to her room. Leeteuk was going to follow her when DaeSung stopped him,”Let her cool off”,he said calmly.

paragraphs after paragraphs, but then later it seem like you were starting to write a script because the chapters starts to look like this:

KangIn:……..*God just tell him already*me…

Leeteuk:(Looks at him in awe)You?KangIn thats a disgusting joke.

KangIn:Leeteuk!I want to get it out!I did!

Leeteuk:*When I did that with MiCha,it did seem familiar*Was it seriously you?Why would you do that?

KangIn:Sa-sa-sa-Saranghae!

Leeteuk:Wh-what?Did you just say-

KangIn:Yes!I do!I love you so much!

Leeteuk:No,you dont.If you loved me,you would’ve not have had your way with me.(Walks away)

Then you changed back to the first one. Remember to organize your paragraphs, so that it’s easy to read and to understand and stick to one style.

Overall enjoyment: 2/5

—To be honest this isn’t the best story I’ve read, but I like your idea and if you work on this more and clean it up, it can be a lot stronger.

Total: 65/100